And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Just high enough for therapy.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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