false alarm. still invincible.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
