You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
