Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
