yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
