This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
