Jerry, you need to find god
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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