Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
