I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
