the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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