Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
