my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
