Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
