$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize