Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Randomize
