I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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