YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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