Need sex. Gaining weight.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
