Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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