I was born with a shot glass in my hand
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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