The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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