I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
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