I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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