I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
