i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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