At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize