From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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