I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
