For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
