yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Pants are for mortals
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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