: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
