If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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