New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize