She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
