he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
