Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize