I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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