Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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