Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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