I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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