i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
