Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
