Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
