My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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