Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize