bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Sext me about skeletons
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
