Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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