He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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