dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm really busy with my period
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