At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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