the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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