I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
