Your face is a jimmy john
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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