The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
She needs sedatives and a leash
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
