i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
